Eggnog is quite the little perpetration of animal cruelty.

Step one: Extract one gallon of another species’ baby rearin’ juice.

Step two: Abort fifty chickens.

Makes one delicious batch.

I’m not a right to lifer, exactly, just talkin bout NOG!

We should at least be making our egg nog with human milk, don’t you think? How many tits? A lot of tits. As to harvestinging an eggy analog, well, we could call it Schmeg-Nog..

But, you object, “The eggs aren’t even fertilized!! What’s the big deal, man?” Well, I’ll just respectfully point out that a certain self-professed god was supposedly born without the tangible act of fertilization. Is it really a coincidence that we commemorate the guy’s birth with our own little ‘Massacre of the Innocents’? I don’t think so.

I ask you: How many more chicken saviors must be cumguzzled over small talk and tiny sandwiches before the truth is revealed? Eat of the body of the Chicken Christ my son, and drink of the Mother Maribell, Repent and baptize your innards with creamy goodness before it is too late! Nutmeg!!